WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[enter password]
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Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before