Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.