website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
You Might Also Like
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.