@YoungNobler: #wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. - Yakov Smirnoff
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@lemonmartinis: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Do you consider yourself a punctual person?" Me: "I was born three months premature."
@Raoul_Duke_71: Beth on Facebook "Can't believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.