#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
pls suprot
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Classic German Shepherd 😂
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.