We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
You Might Also Like
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*