We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up