MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
😎 🍻
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*