I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Mornin. * use accordingly
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes