“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
the icebreaker
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me