@TheMichaelRock: We'd probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.
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@RaisingOneBrow: George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
@Ideal_Victoria: Note to self: Next time your migraine specialist asks "How's your head?" Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."
@dafloydsta: [at a funeral] *approaches the weeping widow and embraces her* *whispers* "So you're single now, right?
@thetits: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…