ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Accurate
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.