[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.