[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
🤣
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.