[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
You Might Also Like
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.