[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
You Might Also Like
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I mean…but I did
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.