[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Cndnsd Mlk
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Möther may I have a snäck
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR