[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
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Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
my first day as a raccoon
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing