[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
それは草
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*