You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.