[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.