[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.