*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
quarantine day 3
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one