[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
This was the best day of my life
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.