[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
going to the ER y’all need anything
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
⚠️ Important Reminder:
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.