[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
🛁
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭