[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.