[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Kermit goes Blue.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Legend 🤣🤣
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes