[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.