Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Home is where your toilet is.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.