SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?