[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people