Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Yup
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.