@TaintUrBalls: Weed is better than beer because with weed the ugly chick stays ugly.
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@HolycrapitsaKat: *Someone compliments me* Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
@abbycohenwl: "Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?" "Church?" "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers
@djdarrellripley: Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife? Me: Only by "automatic withdrawal."
@MischievousJam: Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions! - Me, when I've gone two days without sleep