@TaintUrBalls: Weed is better than beer because with weed the ugly chick stays ugly.
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@GingerHotDish: Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat? Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
@Prof_Peejay: Her:"What do you do?" Me:"I teach astronomy." Her:"OMG!! I'm a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?" Me:"Yes, you'll go home alone tonight."
@Mostly_Cheese: Me: What’d you do this weekend? Her: I got a henna tattoo. Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?