Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
my mind
You just read my mind
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My favorite female superhero
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
What’s so funny?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
😬
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job