Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I feel seen
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are