@TokerQuoter: Weed is not a drug, its a plant. Therefore, I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist.
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@dumbbeezie: My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
@XplodingUnicorn: My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.
@markleggett: 1am: Huh, I'm not tired... 2am: I feel great! Maybe I don't need sleep? 3am: LET'S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I'VE EVER HAD. 3:04am: Euthanise me.