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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Okay
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
me refusing to leave twitter
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Best spot.. 😅
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night