[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
You Might Also Like
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I hope they boil the right one.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?