Weighing up my bread heating options
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff