Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on