@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination

@panmidwest: I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It's like he's saying: "I'm better than you—but not by much."

@vickykhappy: A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene] Detective: You need to take this seriously Me: I am *picks up leg bone* Me: I found this humerus. Lol. D: You're fired.

@girlontapas: I do things for others... Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.