@dragonsorbet: "Hey can I do it?" Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

@Darlainky: My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he's not cold.

@DaddyJew: Doctor: are u high? Me: no, why? D: bc ur dressed like Batman M: well maybe Batman dresses like me D:... M: alright yea im a lil high

@LizHackett: A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

@HomeProbably: Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.