@TheThomason: Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

@juliussharpe: Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

@TheToddWilliams: I know it's International Women's Day but I'd like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

@Jaywoo74: Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.

@Chumpstring: [ER] ME: [scared] well? DOCTOR: ur ok M: so it was just a dream D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them