@Black__Elvis: I used to think my neighbors were racist but that thoughtful burning cross they put in my yard proved to be a great source of natural light.

@Quartzjixler: I had professional respect for you but then you said "recognizance" when you meant 'reconnaissance.'

@HollyMemphis: Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head, "Guess who got laid last night?"

@OhNoSheTwitnt: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven." -Kristoff

@WilliamAder: I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning's office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.