@AbbyHasIssues: Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food? Me: Correct.

@kimtopher22: Getting my hair done Monday. Good news for the kids who scream "WITCH" as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

@Jamie1947: a little too long, but basically a perfect tweet

@TweetsByBilal: Meghan Markle: breathes Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

@coolandbreezey: My guardian angel deserves a raise