WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
You Might Also Like
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
📽️movie date🎞️
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.