“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.