[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I mean…but I did
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!