Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.