Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
this will hang in the louvre one day
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 馃彙
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn鈥檛 walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn鈥檛 lock the locks.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Goodnight 馃惗
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend鈥檚 car is a convertible.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad