Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”