Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Tammy is short for Tamuel
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.