Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG