Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.