@Parentpains: Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
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@daemonic3: Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"
@AtticusFinch79: <gets pulled over> Officer- What's making all that noise in your trunk? Me- My feelings. I'm trying to dispose of them properly.
@TragicAllyHere: *being abducted by aliens* Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin' on, snack-wise?
@FunnyTunes: Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Me: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.