*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Facebook memories be like
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Found my door mat
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds